Throughout my life I
will feel uncomfortable emotions such
as fear, anger, grief, etc. At the same time, I have the capacity to experience
comfortable emotions, which include
joy, love, contentment, etc. It is a natural human tendency to push away
uncomfortable feelings and want to experience more of the comfortable ones. We
have all pushed away uncomfortable thoughts and grasped at distractions or
denials of their presence and the associated discomfort. Typically, I don’t welcome uncomfortable
feelings at my doorstep, but I open my doors wide if I identify a feeling that
promises freedom from pain. This observation is an indication of how much my inner
self wants to feel comfortable and at peace.
The desire for comfort and
peace is a worthy objective, and one that is attainable, in spite of negative
emotions that arise in my mind. Mindfulness is a worthwhile practice that can
help me find and maintain the comfort and peace I am seeking.
Mindfulness
is the consistent, individual practice of paying attention to what is happening
in my mind. I become “mindful” of my view of myself. I can practice mindfulness
while brushing my teeth, in a meeting at work, or in an argument with my partner.
I do not need to be in a meditative state or have a life that is Zen in order
to practice mindfulness. It is a practice that is always available to me when I
choose to use it.
How exactly do I start to apply the practice moment by moment? It begins with
simple steps and by ultimately understanding how I benefit over time. An
example of mindfulness lived out moment by moment may best define the practice of
mindfulness. Following is an example of using simple steps to practice
mindfulness.
As stated earlier, we tend
to push away uncomfortable feelings and replace them with more comfortable ones.
The mindfulness technique
I will share can be referred to as “staying with a feeling”. I will allow
uncomfortable feelings to stay in my reality. I do not use heavy force to push
them away nor do I allow them to weigh me down so that they affect my daily
functioning. I simply allow them to stay by acknowledging them and saying “yes,
you’re here right now”. The benefits of this technique can be far-reaching and
deep. To best demonstrate how to “stay with a feeling” and why I would want to
do this, the following scenario is offered:
Tom is a middle-aged man who has many layers of
stress in his life. He worries that he may lose his job and has been
experiencing difficulties in his relationship with his partner. He also has a
history of mild anxiety that stems from events in his childhood. Though Tom
tries to be optimistic, the layers of stress wear at his optimism and resilience.
He is told by his close friends that this is normal and they express compassion
for his current circumstances. Recently, Tom has also been experiencing health
issues and finds himself awaiting a diagnosis from a medical test. Given the multiple
layers of stress, Tom feels an immense amount of fear and cannot keep his fear
from ruling every moment of his day. He tries multiple ways to distract himself
from fearful thoughts: listening to music, watching TV comedies, eating his
favorite take-out foods, etc. None of these strategies seem to relieve the anxiety
about his health. What does Tom do? How can he apply mindfulness in this
situation?
Tom can look to
transform this difficult experience by “staying with” his feelings.
Step 1: IDENTIFY. Tom identifies his
uncomfortable feelings, or at least one major feeling. He labels the feeling as
fear.
Step 2:ACKNOWLEDGE. Tom acknowledges the
fear’s existence and also acknowledges that fear is not an easy feeling and yet
all people feel fear. It is reassuring for Tom to acknowledge the fear by
saying something like, “Wow, this is fear; this is a lot, and this would be
difficult for anyone right now”.
Step 3: NOTICE. Tom notices his tendency to
want to push the fear away. He may be exhausted or frustrated that his efforts
to feel better aren’t making a difference. He becomes aware of the fact that he
has two opposing forces within his mind:
fear and the need to not feel fear.
Step 4: ACCEPT. Tom says “yes” to his fear. He
releases the fight to push it away. He imagines himself sitting on a park bench
where the fear sits beside him. It is not sitting on, above, or below him, nor
is it causing him any harm – it is just beside him, unmoving, but nevertheless
present. On his other side, also on the bench sits his desire to not feel fear.
He allows both opposite feelings to just sit with him, quietly.
Step 5: ALLOW. Tom feels a sense of peace by
just allowing the space for fear to be present. As he is no longer pushing fear
away, fear is no longer pushing back.
Step 6: BE COMPASSIONATE. Still, Tom may be
triggered as he goes through his day. Simple things may remind him of his
health concern and cause fear to once again be prominent in his mind. Tom
acknowledges that life contains many triggers, and that it’s okay to be
triggered. He may find himself pushing the fear away and remembers that staying
with a feeling is a continuous practice. He has compassion toward himself for
the times that he pushes fear off the bench. Each time this happens, he is kind
to himself and follows Step 4 again.
Step 7: SEEK SUPPORT. If Tom needs to, he
enlists the support of a trustworthy friend to help him implement this mindfulness
practice. He asks his friend to be a mirror when Tom feels the urge to push
fear away. His friend acts as a mirror in this instance by offering Tom the
kindness that he cannot easily offer to himself when he is gripped in the fear.
His friend reminds Tom to say “yes” to the feeling and accept the fear, in
order for fear to lose its tight hold.
These
steps outline a simple process to follow when confronted with a difficult
emotion, whether fear, sadness, anger, shame or others. If Tom follows these
steps, then over time he may have a greater likelihood to develop one of the
greatest gifts we can offer ourselves: staying centered within our self, to
witness our emotions while not becoming consumed by them. By not abandoning myself,
by not pushing away any emotions I am feeling, I am committed to truly being
present for myself. So often we put emphasis on being there for others that we
forget that being there for ourselves is how we become the most compassionate
and stable for others. With practice, over time, I can create a version of myself
that knows I will always have “my own back” in any difficult situation. No
matter how difficult an emotion, I can look into my own mind and heart and
offer compassion instead of self-judgment, criticism, or panic.
This
process is part of the essence of mindfulness practice and one that you may
want to try within your own life. With each emotional challenge and new layer
of healing on your journey, you can become friends with your negative emotions.
Opposition can fall away and acceptance can lead to inner peace, no matter how
mighty the storm.
Maria
Truskey is a health sciences research consultant and an intuitive healer. She
lives in Harrisburg, PA, and is dedicated to sharing holistic solutions for
stress and trauma. Connect with Maria at [email protected].