Throughout my life I will feel uncomfortable emotions such as fear, anger, grief, etc. At the same time, I have the capacity to experience comfortable emotions, which include joy, love, contentment, etc. It is a natural human tendency to push away uncomfortable feelings and want to experience more of the comfortable ones. We have all pushed away uncomfortable thoughts and grasped at distractions or denials of their presence and the associated discomfort.  Typically, I don’t welcome uncomfortable feelings at my doorstep, but I open my doors wide if I identify a feeling that promises freedom from pain. This observation is an indication of how much my inner self wants to feel comfortable and at peace.

     The desire for comfort and peace is a worthy objective, and one that is attainable, in spite of negative emotions that arise in my mind. Mindfulness is a worthwhile practice that can help me find and maintain the comfort and peace I am seeking.

      Mindfulness is the consistent, individual practice of paying attention to what is happening in my mind. I become “mindful” of my view of myself. I can practice mindfulness while brushing my teeth, in a meeting at work, or in an argument with my partner. I do not need to be in a meditative state or have a life that is Zen in order to practice mindfulness. It is a practice that is always available to me when I choose to use it.

      How exactly do I start to apply the practice moment by moment? It begins with simple steps and by ultimately understanding how I benefit over time. An example of mindfulness lived out moment by moment may best define the practice of mindfulness. Following is an example of using simple steps to practice mindfulness.

 

     As stated earlier, we tend to push away uncomfortable feelings and replace them with more comfortable ones.

     The mindfulness technique I will share can be referred to as “staying with a feeling”. I will allow uncomfortable feelings to stay in my reality. I do not use heavy force to push them away nor do I allow them to weigh me down so that they affect my daily functioning. I simply allow them to stay by acknowledging them and saying “yes, you’re here right now”. The benefits of this technique can be far-reaching and deep. To best demonstrate how to “stay with a feeling” and why I would want to do this, the following scenario is offered:

 

     Tom is a middle-aged man who has many layers of stress in his life. He worries that he may lose his job and has been experiencing difficulties in his relationship with his partner. He also has a history of mild anxiety that stems from events in his childhood. Though Tom tries to be optimistic, the layers of stress wear at his optimism and resilience. He is told by his close friends that this is normal and they express compassion for his current circumstances. Recently, Tom has also been experiencing health issues and finds himself awaiting a diagnosis from a medical test. Given the multiple layers of stress, Tom feels an immense amount of fear and cannot keep his fear from ruling every moment of his day. He tries multiple ways to distract himself from fearful thoughts: listening to music, watching TV comedies, eating his favorite take-out foods, etc. None of these strategies seem to relieve the anxiety about his health. What does Tom do? How can he apply mindfulness in this situation?

 

Tom can look to transform this difficult experience by “staying with” his feelings.

 

Step 1: IDENTIFY. Tom identifies his uncomfortable feelings, or at least one major feeling. He labels the feeling as fear.

 

Step 2: ACKNOWLEDGE. Tom acknowledges the fear’s existence and also acknowledges that fear is not an easy feeling and yet all people feel fear. It is reassuring for Tom to acknowledge the fear by saying something like, “Wow, this is fear; this is a lot, and this would be difficult for anyone right now”.

 

Step 3: NOTICE. Tom notices his tendency to want to push the fear away. He may be exhausted or frustrated that his efforts to feel better aren’t making a difference. He becomes aware of the fact that he has two opposing forces within his mind:  fear and the need to not feel fear.

 

Step 4: ACCEPT. Tom says “yes” to his fear. He releases the fight to push it away. He imagines himself sitting on a park bench where the fear sits beside him. It is not sitting on, above, or below him, nor is it causing him any harm – it is just beside him, unmoving, but nevertheless present. On his other side, also on the bench sits his desire to not feel fear. He allows both opposite feelings to just sit with him, quietly.

 

Step 5: ALLOW. Tom feels a sense of peace by just allowing the space for fear to be present. As he is no longer pushing fear away, fear is no longer pushing back.

 

Step 6: BE COMPASSIONATE. Still, Tom may be triggered as he goes through his day. Simple things may remind him of his health concern and cause fear to once again be prominent in his mind. Tom acknowledges that life contains many triggers, and that it’s okay to be triggered. He may find himself pushing the fear away and remembers that staying with a feeling is a continuous practice. He has compassion toward himself for the times that he pushes fear off the bench. Each time this happens, he is kind to himself and follows Step 4 again.

 

Step 7: SEEK SUPPORT. If Tom needs to, he enlists the support of a trustworthy friend to help him implement this mindfulness practice. He asks his friend to be a mirror when Tom feels the urge to push fear away. His friend acts as a mirror in this instance by offering Tom the kindness that he cannot easily offer to himself when he is gripped in the fear. His friend reminds Tom to say “yes” to the feeling and accept the fear, in order for fear to lose its tight hold.

 

     These steps outline a simple process to follow when confronted with a difficult emotion, whether fear, sadness, anger, shame or others. If Tom follows these steps, then over time he may have a greater likelihood to develop one of the greatest gifts we can offer ourselves: staying centered within our self, to witness our emotions while not becoming consumed by them. By not abandoning myself, by not pushing away any emotions I am feeling, I am committed to truly being present for myself. So often we put emphasis on being there for others that we forget that being there for ourselves is how we become the most compassionate and stable for others. With practice, over time, I can create a version of myself that knows I will always have “my own back” in any difficult situation. No matter how difficult an emotion, I can look into my own mind and heart and offer compassion instead of self-judgment, criticism, or panic.

 

     This process is part of the essence of mindfulness practice and one that you may want to try within your own life. With each emotional challenge and new layer of healing on your journey, you can become friends with your negative emotions. Opposition can fall away and acceptance can lead to inner peace, no matter how mighty the storm.

 

Maria Truskey is a health sciences research consultant and an intuitive healer. She lives in Harrisburg, PA, and is dedicated to sharing holistic solutions for stress and trauma. Connect with Maria at [email protected].